Taken from JF’s blog. Hilarious!
Do something productive. Stop being yourself.”- Sarcasm Society
I took some of the sarcastic quotes I saw there:
* “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.”- Ashleigh Brilliant
* “I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”- Stephen Bishop
* “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”- Groucho Marx
* “The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.”- Frank Zappa
* “The 100% American is 99% idiot.”- George Bernard Shaw
* “The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.”- George Bernard Shaw
* “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”- Oscar Wilde
* “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”- Oscar Wilde
* “Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.”- Oscar Wilde
* “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”- Mark Twain
* “Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.”- Mark Twain
* “Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it.”- Mark Twain
* “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”- Clarence Darrow
* “If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?”- Charles Pierce
* “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”- Ernest Hemingway
* “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”- Irvin S. Cobb
* “Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.”- Samuel Butler
* “When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.”- Eric Hoffer
* “A good listener is usually thinking about something else.”- Kin Hubbard
* “Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”- Oscar Levant
* “Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in memory as the wish to forget it.”- Montaigne
* “I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.”- Ludwig Wittgenstein
* “A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.”- Gore Vidal
* “When ideas fail, words come in very handy.”- Goethe
* “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”- Drew Carey
* “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”- Steven Wright
* “How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”- Emo Philips
* “When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”- Chandler Bing
* “If at first you don’t succeed, try something easier.”- Sarcasm Society
* “He never slows down to think; it’s too painful to spend times with his own thoughts.”- Sarcasm Society
* “It’s never too late to go wrong.”- Sarcasm Society
* “The problem with common sense is that most people are morons.”- Sarcasm Society
* “One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.”- Will Durant
* “It’s a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor”- John Cleese
* “Personal experience makes a believer out of anyone; that explains the hordes of evolution deniers.”- Sarcasm Society
* “Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice.”- Unknown
* “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”- Mark Twain
* “I’m not so good with the advice… Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”- Chandler Bing
* “That’s okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.”- Homer Simpson
* “I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.”- John Cleese
* “What have you been reading, the Gospel According to St. Bastard?”- Eddie Izzard
* “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”- Seinfeld
* “A penny saved is a penny you didn’t put in the ‘Take a penny, leave a penny’ tray, you cheap bastard!”- Sarcasm Society
* “Absence makes the heart want to fondle other people.”- Sarcasm Society
* “If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.”- Mark Twain
* “To err is human. To forgive for no good reason is plain stupid.”- Sarcasm Society
* “I don’t know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn’t.”- Jules Renard
* “Everyone knows best; even though everyone knows very little.”- Sarcasm Society
* “Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!”- Unknown
* “Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.”- Unknown
* “100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?”- Unknown
* “Sarcasm: A literary device for identifying the stupid.”- Sarcasm Society
* “I thank God that you are unique!”- Sarcasm Society
* “You can be whatever you want; however, in your case you should probably aim low.”- Sarcasm Society
