numb

i cant think. i cant feel. i feel cold.

i shed many tears. too many infact.

i dunno how to feel anymore. i really dont.

i guess….

i always knew.

i stumbled out of my house in a hurry. looking disheveled and red eyed. i didnt know where to go. i just needed to get out. my head was spinning.

how do you expect me to take the news? how can i?

how can i when you cant answer me? when you dont wanna think about it? strangely, a need to hurt physically was building up in me.

a need so strong, i hunger for it. i need to hurt so bad. i really do.

i walked along my block. i couldnt see where i was going for my tears clouded my vision. i wiped my tears and walked towards the park. for greenery always soothed me. i banged my knee against a pole and i burst into tears again.

i guess, i cried so bitterly that the old man walking past me got a shock. he probably thought i broke my little toe or something. he mumbled something to me, but i shook it off and ran in the opposite direction.

i sat in the park watching the joggers do their stretches. i felt so cold. not only cold from the chill from the night breeze but cold in my heart.

how do you expect me to feel? nonchalant? nothing? how can i?

in my hurry, i had forgotten to bring down my phone or any cash. my fingers itched. my throat was parched. i knew if i went home, i would have gotten something to hurt myself.

or i would have drank the bottle of liquor by myself.

i needed to bleed so badly. i longed so much to hurt. to bleed just to know that i’m alive. to focus on another pain.

i never felt like this before. never ever. i guess, to find out that i was always right, made the pain more intense.

i wanted happiness. but yet, i dont think, after the revelation, i can never be happy. how can i?

i must have sat there for hours. i do not know for how long. i cried so much that i had no more tears left. my eyes hurt. my heart hurts.

when they said ‘ignorance is bliss’, i never really thought much about it. but now i knew.

what am i suppose to do? the one decision that i thought would be easy to make has never seemed so hard before. everything just seems like a lie to me.

what the hell you expect me to do now?

whatever choices i make, i will never be happy.

after a while, i took a slow stroll back home. i had spent hours out there. and i still do not know what to do. i cant feel anything. i cant think.

i feel so numb.