had ‘coffee’ with my ex today. things seems so weird. a few years ago, i believed he was my everything. now, he’s nobody to me. got me thinking, how last time, my feelings for him seemed so real and now, when i looked back, it was just puppy love.
when i got home, i then opened ‘the drawer’. havent opened it in years.
inside was my diary from secondary days.
god. i cringed reading the diary. it seemed so easy to ‘fall in love’. reading the diary brought back memories. those people who i was sure would be friends forever or lovers forever, now fade away.
where are they? wat are they doing with their life?
i dunno.
i then looked thru pictures. pics of secondary school life. supposedly with my then ‘clique’. then other pics. from poly with bsc. the first batch of bsc. program comm pics. poly forum pics. retreat pics. agm pics. then obs pics.
i marvel at how different i looked. and how fast relationships tarnish.
saw ‘chicken leg’ pics. when he was so young. teared a lil. missed him so much. saw pics of my grandparents. reminisced about how when i was young, spent the whole holidays with them. regretted not treasuring them.
it seems like eons ago when i looked thru the pictures of my life and yet, the pain gushed thru me as if it was yesterday.
read the ‘sms book’ which i kept for two ex-es of mine.
marvelled how easy words like ‘i will love u forever’ and ‘i neva wanna leave you’ were exchanged.
and the irony. hell, we arent frens now.
friends? well. i will neva believe they will last. looking thru the past and seeing the current situation onlie emphasized what i felt.
lovers? well. it may seems as if it is staying strong but when it ends. it will onlie mean tears and then another fella.
how sure are we that friendship and love will last?
look at married folks. some of them after 10 years, 20 years of marriage, broke off. cynic? i dun tink so. more of practical. i’ll just live one day at a time. but i dun wan things to be ‘deja-vu’ again.
had it enuf with ppl leaving my life. why not i leave theirs? wun it make it simpler?
i wun. i did it once with a very good friend and i wun make the same mistake again. i guess the next few yours when things happen again. i’ll open the drawer of mine and think of the same tots.
as years pass and as we slowly change, from our appearances, the way we carry ourselves, our intellect, our manners… something inside us changes too. like our mentality, our characters…
well, for me. something inside me dies slowly.
and the something is…
faith.
*off to some cuddling in bed with my pics of chicken leg…*
