pondering….
was tinking of my past relationships… hmmm..
lets see… boyfrens under puppy love: FR, M, A, JF, FM
then there was JD… (my sweet ol’ boyfren who was more of a fren…)
he was older than me by 2 years… i was 14 and foolish.. he was infact de most caring bf i ever had but being young and restless, i broke his heart hard. and we still became frens from then… infact, i wonder if we had met when we were older, would we have lasted? but still, there is no chemistry….
then there was B… (thank god, i hate onlie puppy love feelings for him…)
another puppy love one who unfortunately cheated on me… damn.. i hated de feeling of finding out from another persons mouth… sheesh…
then i met my first love, Z
i was 17… he was the opposite of me, he was homely, quiet and shy and knew to get a girl’s heart… de most romantic guy i have ever know, wrote me poems, made me stuff.. juz those stuff tat a foolish young ger would love.. met his mom and he met mine… i was part of his family. weekends i had dinner wiv his family, christmas and occasions with them… his mom and grandma was a total dearie… i loved being with him… neva felt so secure in my life.. was a blissful year with him, then things became wrong… suddenly he pushed me away… broke my heart and told me there was another girl in de picture… needless to say, i tried salvaging de relationship… he made me felt so low…… after 15 months together, i finally let go… and accepted he had changed and will neva be mine again…. during tis time, i tot many foolish things and am glad i neva did them…
a long while lata, i met mr perfect. JR.
the perfect guy. he was dashing, charming and suave. smart and hardworking. everything i was not. i admired him and he admired me in my work too. it was a case of chemistry and pure attraction…. he had de style and is someone who i would love to show around to… unfortunately, things didnt work out. there was no chemistry after that. just 2 people who seems so right but are so wrong for each other. the same things we admired each other for drew us away… knowing tat this wun work out, i tried finding him to ‘talk’, in other words to break up…. he avoided me…. we finally broke it up mutually. one thing though. i still miss him. as a fren. we used to talk like crazy… i dun understand, why cant ppl be frens after they break up? i miss my best fren….
my current guy….
we knew each other since i was year one… onlie got together when i was in yr 3… frens at first, i didnt wanted to change our relationship…. after when we did get together… things seem so easy for us…. guess being frens, we have seen each others stupidest sides… quarrels of course… one thing i always admire him was, when we first started, Z came back and begged me to come back. all tat shit of it was a mistake. (AFTER ONE YEAR), of course i was confused. my true one love asking me to come back to him. be how it was. how happy we were. then i realised. i cant do it. after breaking up with Z, i have changed. i was no more de young ger i was. i cant afford to get hurt like last time again. and it was unfair to my current guy. thus i turned Z down… My current guy actually told me to do wat i felt best. and infact if i did go back to my ex, he would wish me de best as he would be happy when im happy. tat touched me and made me come to my senses. sighz… however, now after 7 months together with my guy, i feel something weird. its not how it was. things juz seems so different. one may call it the honeymoon period is over but im not sure. dunno wat tis time will mean. it juz feels weird and is not the same as b4… have we lost something? i dunno. time will tell….
one thing abt me… after i have loved my ex Z so uncontinally and gave it my all and in the end got hurt like hell. i neva dared to put my heart 100% into a relationship. how can i? i knoe its not fair to JR or my current. but i cant help it. my fragile heart was broken and now pieced together but i cant take the fall anymore. thus i neva put my whole heart in a relationship… one of my frens Aaron told me if i dun put my heart 100% in a relationship, i wasnt being fair to my significant other. i dun blame any of them. in fact my breakup with Z has changed me totally. sighz. infact, if im single oso, i wouldnt mind. a relationship isnt everything. sighz…. but with every relationship, it has mould me into who i am now.
guess im juz rambling….
n^D
